tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29631913655162511702024-03-12T21:24:30.523-07:00The Outside LineCovering the world of cars like a wet blanket.Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-51348866155669704622014-05-13T12:12:00.002-07:002014-05-13T12:19:29.371-07:00Chrysler Begins Offering American Delivery Option to Wealthy Foreign CustomersDetroit’s Chrysler Group, a majority-owned subsidiary of Italian automotive giant Fiat SpA, recently began offering an American Delivery Option, or ADO, to well-heeled international buyers of its vehicles. </p> As a segue from Chrysler’s recent “Imported from Detroit” campaign, marketers began to explore new delivery channels that could help ensure strong profit margins while creating a uniquely American, brand-enhancing experience for their customers. In a similar vein to many existing European delivery options from brands such as Volvo and BMW, Chrysler has pitched this new option as an all-inclusive package deal aimed at European, South American, and Asian buyers to include the following: <br />
<ul>
<li>Round-trip airfare for two on United Airlines, including drink vouchers and pre-paid baggage fees</li>
<li>Two nights’ accommodation at the Tropic Motel in beautiful Mexicantown, Michigan, just a short drive from Downtown Detroit</li>
<li>Ground transportation to and from Chrysler Headquarters* </li>
<li>Guided group tour of Chrysler Headquarters (7:00am or 5:30pm tours)</li>
<li>Food vouchers for lunch and dinner at participating area Applebee’s restaurants</li>
<li>Temporary license plates and registration valid for up to 30 days**</li>
<li>Ship-board transportation of vehicle to port nearest buyer’s home city*** </li>
</ul>
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<div style="cssfloat: center; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
*taxi reimbursement with valid receipt; maximum $30 **DMV visit required ***dockside pickup required at customer’s expense; all cities except Barranquilla, Guangzhou, and Lisbon require additional fees </div>
Priced at a flat fee of $1,500 (plus the full MSRP purchase of a new Chrysler vehicle), the plan is expected to gain quick traction with prospective buyers. </p>
Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne quickly gave his blessing to the American Delivery Option, insisting that “Most affluent European buyers of American cars have little concept of what most of America is like. A big part of taking the Chrysler brand back to its blue-collar American roots is to show our customers the ‘real America,’ a continent which was named for an Italian. Two continents, actually.” </p>
When asked whether this affluent cohort of customers might be underwhelmed by such a visit to the grittier, less flashy parts of America, Marchionne replied “Have you seen most of Europe or Asia? Behind the facades of rich history, most of it is like America was 50 years ago. Maybe 100 years. I consider this visit a step up for them.” </p>
Chrysler design head Ralph Gilles reportedly took issue with the initial plan, arguing on twitter that “These Dagos think they know the real America, they are full of shit! #sergio #detroit #idowhateveriwant.” However, after closed-door talks at Fiat’s Sicilian corporate retreat in April, a rested and bandaged Gilles retracted the statement, supporting his boss’s plan and tweeting “I, for one, welcome my new Italian overlords #chrysler #americandelivery” Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-30838103253153139942013-07-19T08:34:00.000-07:002013-07-22T05:32:10.547-07:00Audi to Unveil Decimalized Models by 2016Until just a few years ago, Audi offered an array even-numbered car models in its markets around the world. Since then, production flexibility, platform sharing, and improved marketing data have driven the expansion into models like the A5, A7, Q5, Q7, and the still-new-to-America A3. <br />
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"We will continue to develop models that appeal to our more discerning customers. For example, we are currently considering the idea of an A4.3625, which will be slightly larger and more luxurious than an A4, feature two regular doors, two half-sized "suicide doors," an interior crafted of alligator skin, a 19-speaker, 1800-watt Harmin Cochlea sound system, and a sporty, steeply raked hatchback. In a sense, it's our answer to the Mazda RX-8. That question was not asked, so we must ask it. It is our near-term goal to accelerate this company, intentionally or otherwise, into the next century."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">42 Unique New Audi Concepts on Display Near London on Tuesday</td></tr>
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Mueller cited the need to enter this market segment after a single write-in questionnaire response indicated a 28-year-old unmarried male in Framingham, MA, with income between $25,000 and $34,999 would be "likely" to "very likely" to lease such a model in the next 18-24 months.<br />
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He continued, "For Audi, that's more than enough validation that a solid market exists for this vehicle."<br />
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Many critics ask whether Audi should focus more heavily on its core A4/6/8 car models, improving variety, content, and pricing to increase and maintain a competitive edge against worldwide rivals BMW and Mercedes. Several companies--notably GM--have been guilty of expanding product lines in an effort to gain segment market share, diluting the overall brand and reducing quality along the way.<br />
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"In Germany, we have a saying 'Eine Wurst, Funfzehn Groesse' (one sausage, 15 sizes). You see, BMW have an X3, so we must have a Q5. They have an X5; we must have a Q7. They have an M3 coupe; we must have an S5. They have a 1-series convertible, we must have a...<em>Scheisse</em>."<br />
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Mr. Mueller then ended the line of questioning abruptly, nervously shouting in German to a coworker in the Product Design group. His assistant later referred us to the product website for the Volkswagen Eos, asking us to imagine four rings on the grille.<br />
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When asked about the possibility of a diesel-powered wagon with manual transmission in the US, Mueller responded "We have heard this request from thousands of online forum users, but to date have not sold a single one to those people. We believe these requests to be a result of a single hacker using 'alt' identities to pump up interest in obscure, unprofitable vehicle configurations. Similarly, we will never offer a ute [car with truck bed], nor a vehicle where the model's numbers indicate the displacement or any other rational metric."Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-4998086846814130162012-09-24T08:52:00.001-07:002012-09-24T08:52:59.686-07:00Depreciation "Not Even a Real Thing" According to NADA ReportAt a recent industry trade show, NADA President Victor Cardelli went on record to say that depreciation does not affect the average car owner at all. His comments were a part of a larger PR push to improve new car sales numbers, despite high unemployment and an increase in overall financial literacy among consumers.<br /><br />"Do you really think that hard-working Joe Sixpack cares about some vague concept invented by those overpaid Wall Street accountants to pad their bonuses?" Cardelli continued, "We can get you $199/month lease payments with no money down. We can get you 35+ mpg to save you money on fuel. Why should you even care about some invisible number like depreciation?"<br /><br />Harvard Economist Malcolm Freeman rebuked those comments, explaining that they were the "....most retarded....thing I've ever heard," continuing with several examples of the precipitous depreciation in the new car industry and a bunch of other charts and numbers that have absolutely nothing to do with $199/month with no money down and getting you in this car today.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gWQaU40PH24/TJlzGlOJ2_I/AAAAAAAAJTM/WuVfp6G-2RU/s1600/facepalm%255B1%255D.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="207" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gWQaU40PH24/TJlzGlOJ2_I/AAAAAAAAJTM/WuVfp6G-2RU/s320/facepalm%255B1%255D.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Harvard Economist Dr. Freeman (photo credit: Harvard.edu)</td></tr>
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<br />Honda Financial Services CFO Akio Yokohama tacitly agreed with Cardelli, noting that a 2009 Honda Civic still costs just as much as a 2013 model.Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-21171634216994786732012-09-19T06:01:00.001-07:002012-09-19T06:01:07.808-07:00Volkswagen Fights Critics with "Increase Your Own Content" Campaign<br />Chattanooga, TN - Volkswagen of America announced a new ad campaign Wednesday in an attempt to combat rising speculation that broad quality cuts, also known as "decontenting," will tarnish their reputation for quality. The "Increase Your Own Content" campaign will be launched first in Chattanooga, the site of the newest VW plant that currently produces the US-market Passat. <br /><br />According to marketing intern Hans Gutenmorgen, "To these critics we say, customers must their body size increase to appreciate the larger cars, that produce we will."<br /><br />Beginning with a series of "Hello, Fattanooga!" billboards, VW hopes to distract potential buyers from the company's cost-cutting measures--such as an anemic 2.5-liter base engine and lower quality interiors--by focusing instead on literally "fitting the customer to the car." With a larger customer base, both in number and physical size, buyers will be more apt to focus on the new Passat's increased seat size, numerous cupholders, and cushier suspension.<br /><br />Industry analysts have been mixed in their reactions to the news. <br /><br />"VW has traditionally tried a one-size-fits-all approach to worldwide marketing, something that has resulted in a sub-5% market share in the US," according to an unnamed source at Edmonds.com. "As all fatties know, the 'one size fits all' label can be very misleading. Is 'fatties' still okay to say these days?"<br /><br />Consumer Reports' head of auto testing, Jim Hondafan, counters that "[VW] has long held the US market in contempt, ignoring the proper 'car appliance' mentality in favor of archaic notions of 'driver engagement' and 'fun.' It's no wonder they've lost so much ground to the Japanese." He continued by citing the increasing size and blandness that have led to decades of success among Asian manufacturers.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://media.caranddriver.com/images/media/51/2012-volkswagen-passat-embed-1-photo-380835-s-original.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="196" src="http://media.caranddriver.com/images/media/51/2012-volkswagen-passat-embed-1-photo-380835-s-original.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Please don't take pics from that angle, it makes my butt look big.</td></tr>
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<br />VW has made bold claims in their goal to emulate Toyota's success in the US, despite Toyota's recent troubles with allegations of unintended vehicle acceleration. VW subsidiary Audi had similar problems in the 1980s which were, ironically, a result of Americans' big fat feet awkwardly mashing two pedals at once.<br /><br />In related news, VW also confirms that their torquey, efficient 2.0 turbodiesel has been a fast-selling option among Passat models. According to an internal press release, the combination of 42mpg highway and 247 lb-ft "moves Americans' cheap, fat asses down the highway with great ease." A manual transmission will not be available, since the company optimistically projects that 75%-80% of their customer base will lose a foot to diabetes over the next decade.Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-20014473955125657242012-05-17T05:15:00.001-07:002012-05-17T05:15:14.414-07:00Subaru Offers Greek Vacation for Repeat BuyersSubaru will soon announce plans to increase their customer loyalty incentives by offering free Greek vacations to all repeat buyers. "Subaru: Visit the Land of Lesbos" encourages owners to take a week-long vacation to the famous Greek island, including airfare, hotel, and the use of a new Subaru Legacy to tour the island.<br /><br />Customer reactions have been mixed. <br /><br />WRX owner Travis "T-dawg" Johnson says the vacation sounds "pretty dope," but it's not enough for him to trade his vehicle on a new one. "Dude, I love lesbos, but have you seen the new Rex? It's totally castrated compared to the old one. Besides, I've got like 20 grand worth of mods on my ride and already sold all the stock parts on ebay and NASIOC."<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MlVIC58l6ao/T7TrCWyWFRI/AAAAAAAAABc/U9rN2MDDv7I/s1600/Greece+octopus+drying+in+lesvos+%28br0swer+flickr%29.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MlVIC58l6ao/T7TrCWyWFRI/AAAAAAAAABc/U9rN2MDDv7I/s320/Greece+octopus+drying+in+lesvos+%28br0swer+flickr%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lesbos: Hot, wet, and sort of fishy-smelling<br />
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<br />Former Forester driver Kelli Planche says she experimented with Subarus in college, but it was just a passing fad. "I mostly did it to get the attention of guys. You know, not really something you want to stick with forever. Plus, most of them are kind of weird-looking. But for the right incentive, I'd probably reconsider."<br /><br />Subaru's Customer Retention department hopes the move will increase customer loyalty--already among the highest in the industry--to unprecedented levels. According to Spokewoman Janine Lavetti, "A lot of people know very little about Subaru or Lesbos, so we're hoping some firsthand experience will increase their appreciation of both."Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-82870292601587791832012-05-01T13:34:00.000-07:002012-05-01T13:34:04.207-07:00Land Rover Suburban Usage Overtakes Off-Road RoleFor the first time in company history, British automaker Land Rover now has more vehicles in suburban deployment than in traditional usage, such as third-world charity and religious missions.<br /><br />Citing data released just last week by the World Transportation Factbook (<i>WTF</i>), the number of Land Rover vehicles currently in use--notably Range Rover, LR3, and LR2--now favors the vehicles' latter-day role as a first-world suburban status symbol. Despite overwhelming data that indicates a high cost of ownership, steep repair bills, and costly parts, most owners have few reservations about owning them. Once claimed to be "The first vehicle ever seen by one-third of the world's population," most modern Land Rovers have taken a position as "The vehicle most often seen by one-third of the world's mechanics."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p3WIcHYdWUI/T6BHihMGSWI/AAAAAAAAABQ/lzekWmucgjg/s1600/www.harikasozler.net_-_Araba_Resimleri_-_Land_Rover_LRX.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p3WIcHYdWUI/T6BHihMGSWI/AAAAAAAAABQ/lzekWmucgjg/s320/www.harikasozler.net_-_Araba_Resimleri_-_Land_Rover_LRX.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Land Rover: Terrace-Rated<span style="font-size: 125%;"><span class="Unicode">™</span></span></td></tr>
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An Anglican missionary serving in Tanzania, Nevill Chesterfield, is among the traditional users of Land Rovers. "[I've] Never owned a better vehicle in my life," he says loudly of his 1981 Defender 90. "Holds 80 litres of diesel, 15 gallons of water, 3,000 Bibles and rarely struggles through the muddy ruts." Mr. Chesterfield was unable to respond to any further questions, having been rendered temporarily deaf by his 10-minute drive to the nearest village to speak with us.<br /><br />Marquis Dassad, the Anglo-Yemeni striker for London's Chelsea Football Club, owns a 2010 Range Rover. "Got me some double-deuces [22" wheels], black tint, ten thousand watts of Alpine [stereo system]. I come round, da whole block know I'm all up on it." Mr. Dassad drove his vehicle just 1,200 miles in 2010, never leaving the tarmac of central London. "F*ck da congestion charge, knowutmean?" he continued, gesturing vaguely toward his crotch.<br /><br />An interesting sub-segment exists, however: American Defender owners. Characterized by their Ray Ban sunglasses, Keen branded shoes, and corduroy pants, these buyers--mostly white males between 36 and 50 years old--both defy and support the new stereotype. On one hand, their yuppie nature means they don't balk at paying $50,000 for a 10-year-old, slightly rusty SUV with solid axles and very little on-road capability. On the other hand, they also attempt to project a rugged simplicity in line with the vehicle itself, despite their spending $5,000 per year on upkeep (for both the vehicle and themselves). Such vehicles are often taken onto dirt trails, but primarily serve as an aimless diversion rather than utilitarian need.<br /><br />In related news, Werner Herzog is preparing to release his Land Rover documentary, "The Todds Must Be Crazy," the story of suburban Californians Preston Reed and Michael Todd, whose mutual envy of each others' Land Rovers drives both men and their families to the brink of bankruptcy.<br /><br /><br /><br />Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-20102131072065058322012-04-19T09:35:00.000-07:002012-04-19T09:35:46.160-07:00Local Man Over-Internalizes Casual Comment About CarVero Beach, FL - In response to a passer-by's "Hey, nice Vette. Looks clean." comment, area retiree and Corvette owner Ralph Garrison was overcome with a completely internalized, smug sense of self-satisfaction for the next 20 minutes.<br /><br />Since first purchasing the 2005 base model Corvette in mid-2005 at a model year closeout deal, Garrison has meticulously paid to have every element of the vehicle maintained, including all optional services recommended by dealers, independent shops, car washes, and random strangers. Although he has spent nearly half of the car's original $72,900 sticker price on maintenance and detailing alone, he nonetheless claims a sense of personal pride and hard work that belies how little work was actually involved in driving the automatic-transmission-equipped vehicle a mere 2,000 miles per year on mainly straight, flat roads.<br /><br />"She's still purring like a kitten after all this time" Garrison added, tacitly claiming responsibility for the car's condition while refusing to acknowledge the car's 60-year pedigree and tens of millions of dollars of engineering, design, racing, and testing that led to the car's current status. "I guess there's something to be said for the quality of Detroit steel after all," he continued while lovingly patting the car's roof panel which, unbeknownst to him, had already begun detaching at its low-quality welds and would soon remove itself while driving on A1A with the cruise control set to 45mph, leading him to question the sanity of 500-mile oil Amsoil synthetic oil change intervals, 1,000-mile Michelin tire replacements, and, in turn, his entire car ownership habits.<br /><br />"It just goes to show," Mr. Garrison says, "that a little hard work with your maintenance and care can go a long way. This toy is my own little gift to myself for years of hard work and sacrifice."<br /><br />Garrison's fortune comes from using his family trust fund to make random investments in the dot-com boom which, completely coincidentally, were still booming at the time of his stock liquidation and 1999 retirement to Florida.<br /><br />In related news, retired GM CEO Rick Wagoner has been working on his memoirs, entitled "The Best We Could Do: GM's Failure in the Hands of the Ignorant Consumer."Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-78355880237706348072012-04-05T05:40:00.002-07:002012-04-05T07:23:31.686-07:00Gas Stations Test Improper Fraction PricingEver since a handful of enterprising gas station owners devised the now-common "nine tenths" addition to fuel prices, not a single entrepreneur has taken steps to further confuse consumers about how much they're actually paying at the pump.<br />
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As gasoline once again approaches the important $4/gallon psychological barrier in the US, a handful of station owners in suburban Detroit are taking fractional pricing one step further.<br />
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Yesterday, the sign outside Dee's Chevron station in Dearborn read "$3.87 9/10". This morning, it read "$31/8".<br />
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"I'm not trying to confuse people to make some extra cash. I'm just trying to take the edge off of the price increases. After all, gas could hit 37, maybe 39 eights of a dollar before this summer and I don't want people avoiding my station because they think $4.62 and nine-tenths is a better price. Plus we're offering a 15-eighths of a dollar discount on all carwashes with minimum eight gallon fuel purchase."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G-ZHhZ-HiHI/T32SNfH2RUI/AAAAAAAAABI/aomvCcIpgsQ/s1600/gasprices-1265592451.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G-ZHhZ-HiHI/T32SNfH2RUI/AAAAAAAAABI/aomvCcIpgsQ/s1600/gasprices-1265592451.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Have you seen this one yet? I bet you haven't. Please forward it to your mom's AOL email.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Critics fear the new pricing scheme could cause traffic backups as customers struggle to translate the new prices into familiar terms. One suggestion included pricing fuel according to a multiple of Big Macs, in a nod to the Big Mac Index, a classic measure of international purchasing power coined by British financial newspaper The Economist. Another suggestion mentioned pegging fuel to Starbucks Coffee's Grande Latte, but researchers determined the coffee retailer's prices were too volatile to serve as a base price index.<br />
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Across the street from Dee's Chevron, Pakistani chemical engineer and BP station owner Rakesh Sultan prefers to draw on his educational background. "Beginning tomorrow, I will post all prices as an exponential function of e," he said, showing us a full-color mockup of his $e^1.5 signage. He concludes, "I have no need for a fraction in my maths, only decimal. Call me 'the lowest common dominator.' That is the pun in English."<br />
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Just across the river in Ontario, Canadian consumers were unfazed by the news. "We've successfully fought American influence with our three-fold approach: The metric system, socialized healthcare, and cold weather. If the petroleum industry wants to bring their improper fractions here, we'll confuse them into submission with our litre measurements and slightly different dollar system."Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-35804772351956245902012-03-20T07:11:00.000-07:002012-03-20T07:11:41.663-07:00Prehistoric Ford Panther remains found in South AmericaFord's long-running and recently retired Panther Platform, which underpinned vehicles like the Ford Crown Victoria and Lincoln Town car, could be much older than experts previously believed. Often thought to have been introduced in 1979 with the Ford LTD and Mercury Marquis, the Panther continued until its retirement in 2011 as the longest-running vehicle platform in North American automotive history.<br />
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However, recent finds by paleontologists from the University of Colorado and the Universidad de Quito in Ecuador indicate the platform may date back to the Early Pleistocene Epoch, over 1.8 million years ago. Dr. Juan Lavamanos and his Andean excavation team first came across a parallel set of heavily corroded metal rails in the Altiplano region of eastern Peru last year. Initially believed to be remnants of a 14th century Inca sculpture, further research with local men revealed the boxed tubes to be a nearly complete frame from a Mercury Grand Marquis. With the help of published documentation from a long-lost Chilton publication, these findings were verified.<br />
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As researchers dug further, they found similar unexplained discoveries from towns and villages across the region. A few corroborating accounts from West Africa, many of which were substantially older than the Peruvian discovery. This geographical diversity does not date the vehicle all the way back to the Pangea Supercontinent, but rather indicates that the vehicle's technology could have been shared across oceans, among numerous cultures, and even across several millenia.<br />
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When asked who might have utilized the large, V8-powered, rear-wheel-drive vehicles during that time period, Dr. Lavamanos replied "Probably a bunch of knuckle-dragging Neanderthals." The early hominids actually went extinct during the same period, leading researchers to speculate the extinction might have been linked to aggressive driving, including drag races, "doughnuts," and burnouts. <br />
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Team members also speculate that the Panther's performance antics could be the exact technology the early Peruvians utilized to create their complex "Nazca Line" designs across the high desert. The designs--ranging from impossibly straight paths to intricate, enormous animals--have confounded researchers for decades.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J8QYfRj1Qwk/T2iNof-CgaI/AAAAAAAAABA/N-FbP4EghOQ/s1600/nazca-lines.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J8QYfRj1Qwk/T2iNof-CgaI/AAAAAAAAABA/N-FbP4EghOQ/s320/nazca-lines.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nazca monkey - evidence of precision car control?</td></tr>
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Dr. Lavamanos is quick to point out, however, that the majority of usage would have been for taxi and police services. "Aggressive maneuvers were usually efforts to encourage mating among the species, but evidence suggests only the weakest and stupidest females would have been impressed. This probably further contributed to the species' demise."<br />
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"With the difficult terrain of the Andes, mobility was very important for the Inca." Dr. Lavamanos continues, "However, many of these vehicles fell from steep cliffs and remained buried in mud and rock for eons. It would be another two million years before all-wheel-drive would be invented. Inca folklore believed that using the front wheels to move a car was the work of the devil."<br />
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In related news, The Thor Heyerdahl Foundation has announced preparations for their "Lincoln-tiki," a Town Car they plan to drive from Alaska to Argentina as a tribute to the resourcefulness and engineering of ancient man.Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-78500557310575171932011-01-19T08:58:00.000-08:002011-01-19T08:59:55.866-08:00Volvo Promotes "Leftist Bumper Sticker Delete" Option on New ModelsFor the first time since 1983, Volvo will be offering buyers the choice to purchase new cars without politically-charged left wing sticker affixed to the rear. Contrary to popular belief, almost all new Volvos sold today come equipped with free dealer-installed stickers, a result of exhaustive customer surveys of Vermont liberal arts professors in 1981-82. Late in 2010, a recent college graduate and Volvo marketing assistant brought the notion of "sample bias" to the attention of her superiors. A few months later, the company's marketing team quietly made the correction.<br />
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While buyers have long been able to choose from "Bright Blue Dot in a Really Red State," a pictographic of the word "Coexist," and "Kerry Edwards," most buyers were unaware that such decals were optional. Volvo hopes to rectify this misconception as a part of a broader push into new demographics, including Top Bracket Taxpayers, Obama Critics, and People Who Wouldn't Go Further Left Than Subaru or Maybe VW.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_chaqA9jjIbQ/TTcXyJ0Qc3I/AAAAAAAAAAQ/eZLAUhOg2AY/s1600/V70+with+stickers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_chaqA9jjIbQ/TTcXyJ0Qc3I/AAAAAAAAAAQ/eZLAUhOg2AY/s320/V70+with+stickers.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Left to right: Fully-equipped V70; C30 with Sticker Delete</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
"I just figured it was part of the elitist New England mentality required to own a Volvo," says suburban Kansas City mother Kathy Bryant of her 2006 XC70. "I usually vote Republican or Independent, but never realized I had any control over what my car was saying to other drivers."<br />
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Dallas-based trucker Jimmy Shoals echoes, "I always thought those Germans [sic] made some pretty nice cars, but I'd probably get my ass kicked for driving one into the parking lot. My church is pretty serious about that stuff."<br />
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Volvo hopes to further distance itself from politicization with their new "Blood for Oil" campaign, offering customers 10 free gallons of gas for every pint of blood they donate to the American Red Cross. The company hopes the effort won't be misunderstood in the way Volkswagen's "W: The Engine" campaign was mistaken for an endorsement of former President George W. Bush. VW blames the misunderstanding for the complete failure of the Passat W8 and Phaeton W12 in the US market.<br />
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Fellow Swedish carmaker Saab, which recently broke free from years of GM ownership, has absolutely no plans to broaden its appeal. VP of product development Bjorn Larsen states, "On the contrary--we plan to go back to nothing but two-door hatchbacks, center console ignition, and a confusing series of dash buttons you've never seen in other cars." He claims this move will link Saab with its history and require a high IQ simply to operate the vehicle. "When it comes to elitism, we prefer a tangible and direct approach."Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-67531040819151922492011-01-12T12:43:00.000-08:002011-01-12T12:43:54.273-08:00Germans Urge Creation of Motosport "Master Race"In an effort to boost waning attendance at motorsport events, German promoters have been pushing for a so-called "Master Race." The series would feature the best German drivers from DTM, Le Mans, Formula 3, and other popular series in a single-model racing series. With every driver in an identical VW GTI, events would focus more heavily on driver skill over team politics or significant differences in budgets.<br />
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"Germany has tried similar concepts before, but without much long-term success," laments Juergen Mengele, director of promotions for Germany's famous Hockenheimring circuit. "We are very wary of such endeavors, but unemployment is very high and the economy is very bad at the moment. We are open to almost any improvement, no matter how difficult."<br />
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Charistmatic event promoter and entrepreneur Karl Koenig, often described as Germany's answer to England's flamboyant Richard Branson, has stepped up to fill a visionary leadership role in German racing. "For too long we have tolerated Formula 1, with their growing budgets and international appeal. It is time to purge our people of this boredom, malaise, and complacency. It is time to purify our motoring heritage and bring it back to the people!" His motto of "Ein Volkswagen, Eine Reise, Ein Fuhrer!" (One Volkswagen, One Tour, One Leader) has caused critics to note the dangerous parallels between Koenig and another rabidly popular historical figure, former US President George W. Bush. "At best, Koenig will do for us what Bush did for terrorism," says an anonymous contributor to Spiegel Online. "At worst, he'll do for us what Bush did for the English language."<br />
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Koenig has suggested an initial season of just seven races, beginning with a energetic Berlin road race and culminating with "Judgment at Nurburgring" to finish the series.<br />
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Often controversial, Mr. Koenig denies any involvement with the recent vandalism of foreign-owned auto dealerships across Germany. "I cannot be responsible for the actions of a few vigilantes. I admire their enthusiasm, but must encourage them to fight this battle through official means, such as winning sanctioned races and freezing competitors' assets while they're under a protracted investigation for money laundering."<br />
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FIA head Max Mosley is not threatened by the groundswell of support, though he acknowledges it could siphon fans away from Formula 1's perennial cash cow. "If Mr. Koenig wants to try, he has my blessing. Will he have women with uniforms and accents? That would be a very nice touch." F1 supporters accuse Mr. Mosley of appeasement, while British F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone states he would consider large-scale racing expansions into Italy, France, and even North Africa in order to contain Koenig's expansion. "We are also working with Russian promoters on several options in the East," Ecclestone continued. "We're not sure we trust them from a partnership standpoint, but we welcome their efforts to contain Koenig's expansion."<br />
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As of press time, several "viral" promotional racing posters had already been spotted around Prague and the surrounding countryside. Officials from the world's second-biggest racing series, America's NASCAR, are taking careful notes as they combat a three-year decline in viewership. Among fans, 71% recently reponded that they would "fully support" or "somewhat support" the creation of a master race here in the US. 17% of responses had unsolicited, written-in tirades criticizing "that Mexican [sic] Montoya" and similar comments.Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2963191365516251170.post-10928959551455996802011-01-07T13:55:00.000-08:002011-01-07T14:12:40.192-08:00Obama Fails to Report for Work at GMAC Call CenterFor a third straight day, US President Barack Obama failed to show up for his second-shift assignment at the GMAC call center in Manassas, Virginia. His work at the call center is part of a little-known clause in the 2009 GM Federal bailout that requires the President to put in two non-consecutive weeks of work attempting to collect on delinquent accounts.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_chaqA9jjIbQ/TSePbNqJilI/AAAAAAAAAAM/lRffa_S6kkA/s1600/10_awkward_obama_phone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_chaqA9jjIbQ/TSePbNqJilI/AAAAAAAAAAM/lRffa_S6kkA/s320/10_awkward_obama_phone.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">The President, last seen at New Employee Orientation on Jan. 3</span></i></div><br />
Shift Supervisor Teresa Woods tells The Outside Line, "I have a lot of respect for Mr. Obama. I voted for him, and I was really excited he might do some of that Jedi mind stuff on our borrowers like he did on the voters. If the man would just show up, he'd be our top producer."<br />
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Ms. Woods then pointed to a dry-erase board on the wall, with "B-ROCK" scrawled at the bottom of the employee list, a series of zeroes next to it.<br />
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"We spent a lot of time getting him added to the timesheet system and developing his call script," she continued, handing us a copy of the President's personal script and talking points. GMAC feels that personalized call scripts lend a more human touch to an otherwise very repetitive and cookie-cutter role. Highlights of Mr. Obama's sheet include:<br />
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<ul><li>Excessive use of the word "look" in an attempt to gain attention and imply mutual understanding with the borrower</li>
</ul><ul><li>Repeated denials that he can use his "other job" to help borrowers delay payments--or to stop paying altogether</li>
</ul><ul><li>Rebuttals to nepotistic pleading, such as "Help a brother out" and "I thought you were down"</li>
</ul><ul><li>Personal, heartfelt insistence that the American taxpayers were counting on these payments to cover Medicare prescriptions</li>
</ul><ul><li>Threats to send black helicopters to the borrower's house in the middle of the night</li>
</ul><ul><li>Repeated assurance that he has the power to withhold increasingly larger sums of money from borrowers' paychecks</li>
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The call center's HR Director, who wished to remain anonymous, was unfazed. "We get a lot of no-shows and walk-outs in this business. I don't see why this guy would be an exception," adding, "The last thing I said to him was to please bring a copy of his birth certificate so we could finish his paperwork."Ash78http://www.blogger.com/profile/10131314827680551791noreply@blogger.com0