Volkswagen Fights Critics with "Increase Your Own Content" Campaign

Chattanooga, TN - Volkswagen of America announced a new ad campaign Wednesday in an attempt to combat rising speculation that broad quality cuts, also known as "decontenting," will tarnish their reputation for quality. The "Increase Your Own Content" campaign will be launched first in Chattanooga, the site of the newest VW plant that currently produces the US-market Passat.

According to marketing intern Hans Gutenmorgen, "To these critics we say, customers must their body size increase to appreciate the larger cars, that produce we will."

Beginning with a series of "Hello, Fattanooga!" billboards, VW hopes to distract potential buyers from the company's cost-cutting measures--such as an anemic 2.5-liter base engine and lower quality interiors--by focusing instead on literally "fitting the customer to the car." With a larger customer base, both in number and physical size, buyers will be more apt to focus on the new Passat's increased seat size, numerous cupholders, and cushier suspension.

Industry analysts have been mixed in their reactions to the news.

"VW has traditionally tried a one-size-fits-all approach to worldwide marketing, something that has resulted in a sub-5% market share in the US," according to an unnamed source at Edmonds.com. "As all fatties know, the 'one size fits all' label can be very misleading. Is 'fatties' still okay to say these days?"

Consumer Reports' head of auto testing, Jim Hondafan, counters that "[VW] has long held the US market in contempt, ignoring the proper 'car appliance' mentality in favor of archaic notions of 'driver engagement' and 'fun.' It's no wonder they've lost so much ground to the Japanese." He continued by citing the increasing size and blandness that have led to decades of success among Asian manufacturers.

Please don't take pics from that angle, it makes my butt look big.

VW has made bold claims in their goal to emulate Toyota's success in the US, despite Toyota's recent troubles with allegations of unintended vehicle acceleration. VW subsidiary Audi had similar problems in the 1980s which were, ironically, a result of Americans' big fat feet awkwardly mashing two pedals at once.

In related news, VW also confirms that their torquey, efficient 2.0 turbodiesel has been a fast-selling option among Passat models. According to an internal press release, the combination of 42mpg highway and 247 lb-ft "moves Americans' cheap, fat asses down the highway with great ease." A manual transmission will not be available, since the company optimistically projects that 75%-80% of their customer base will lose a foot to diabetes over the next decade.