The President, last seen at New Employee Orientation on Jan. 3
Shift Supervisor Teresa Woods tells The Outside Line, "I have a lot of respect for Mr. Obama. I voted for him, and I was really excited he might do some of that Jedi mind stuff on our borrowers like he did on the voters. If the man would just show up, he'd be our top producer."
Ms. Woods then pointed to a dry-erase board on the wall, with "B-ROCK" scrawled at the bottom of the employee list, a series of zeroes next to it.
"We spent a lot of time getting him added to the timesheet system and developing his call script," she continued, handing us a copy of the President's personal script and talking points. GMAC feels that personalized call scripts lend a more human touch to an otherwise very repetitive and cookie-cutter role. Highlights of Mr. Obama's sheet include:
- Excessive use of the word "look" in an attempt to gain attention and imply mutual understanding with the borrower
- Repeated denials that he can use his "other job" to help borrowers delay payments--or to stop paying altogether
- Rebuttals to nepotistic pleading, such as "Help a brother out" and "I thought you were down"
- Personal, heartfelt insistence that the American taxpayers were counting on these payments to cover Medicare prescriptions
- Threats to send black helicopters to the borrower's house in the middle of the night
- Repeated assurance that he has the power to withhold increasingly larger sums of money from borrowers' paychecks
The call center's HR Director, who wished to remain anonymous, was unfazed. "We get a lot of no-shows and walk-outs in this business. I don't see why this guy would be an exception," adding, "The last thing I said to him was to please bring a copy of his birth certificate so we could finish his paperwork."