Depreciation "Not Even a Real Thing" According to NADA Report

At a recent industry trade show, NADA President Victor Cardelli went on record to say that depreciation does not affect the average car owner at all. His comments were a part of a larger PR push to improve new car sales numbers, despite high unemployment and an increase in overall financial literacy among consumers.

"Do you really think that hard-working Joe Sixpack cares about some vague concept invented by those overpaid Wall Street accountants to pad their bonuses?" Cardelli continued, "We can get you $199/month lease payments with no money down. We can get you 35+ mpg to save you money on fuel. Why should you even care about some invisible number like depreciation?"

Harvard Economist Malcolm Freeman rebuked those comments, explaining that they were the "....most retarded....thing I've ever heard," continuing with several examples of the precipitous depreciation in the new car industry and a bunch of other charts and numbers that have absolutely nothing to do with $199/month with no money down and getting you in this car today.

Harvard Economist Dr. Freeman (photo credit: Harvard.edu)

Honda Financial Services CFO Akio Yokohama tacitly agreed with Cardelli, noting that a 2009 Honda Civic still costs just as much as a 2013 model.

Volkswagen Fights Critics with "Increase Your Own Content" Campaign

Chattanooga, TN - Volkswagen of America announced a new ad campaign Wednesday in an attempt to combat rising speculation that broad quality cuts, also known as "decontenting," will tarnish their reputation for quality. The "Increase Your Own Content" campaign will be launched first in Chattanooga, the site of the newest VW plant that currently produces the US-market Passat.

According to marketing intern Hans Gutenmorgen, "To these critics we say, customers must their body size increase to appreciate the larger cars, that produce we will."

Beginning with a series of "Hello, Fattanooga!" billboards, VW hopes to distract potential buyers from the company's cost-cutting measures--such as an anemic 2.5-liter base engine and lower quality interiors--by focusing instead on literally "fitting the customer to the car." With a larger customer base, both in number and physical size, buyers will be more apt to focus on the new Passat's increased seat size, numerous cupholders, and cushier suspension.

Industry analysts have been mixed in their reactions to the news.

"VW has traditionally tried a one-size-fits-all approach to worldwide marketing, something that has resulted in a sub-5% market share in the US," according to an unnamed source at Edmonds.com. "As all fatties know, the 'one size fits all' label can be very misleading. Is 'fatties' still okay to say these days?"

Consumer Reports' head of auto testing, Jim Hondafan, counters that "[VW] has long held the US market in contempt, ignoring the proper 'car appliance' mentality in favor of archaic notions of 'driver engagement' and 'fun.' It's no wonder they've lost so much ground to the Japanese." He continued by citing the increasing size and blandness that have led to decades of success among Asian manufacturers.

Please don't take pics from that angle, it makes my butt look big.

VW has made bold claims in their goal to emulate Toyota's success in the US, despite Toyota's recent troubles with allegations of unintended vehicle acceleration. VW subsidiary Audi had similar problems in the 1980s which were, ironically, a result of Americans' big fat feet awkwardly mashing two pedals at once.

In related news, VW also confirms that their torquey, efficient 2.0 turbodiesel has been a fast-selling option among Passat models. According to an internal press release, the combination of 42mpg highway and 247 lb-ft "moves Americans' cheap, fat asses down the highway with great ease." A manual transmission will not be available, since the company optimistically projects that 75%-80% of their customer base will lose a foot to diabetes over the next decade.